Family

Podcast episode 11 Toxic black mother’s

I wanted to take some time to process and think this post and the podcast through so that it isn’t angry or all over the place. The text messages you will see scattered across this post is a small look into the life of my relationship with my mother. They are not to bash her, I am not angry or bitter but I hope this helps someone that is currently in the same boat have some solace in knowing it is ok to choose yourself. I will be going through each one and  providing insight in what I think she meant usually  my mother  sends  messages and they are  incoherent  I want to blame  it  on her being diagnosed as BiPolar a few years back but honestly  blaming  her shitty behavior  on her illness is like saying this is ok, which it totally isn’t .

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

My Mother discussed  a lot about dying, when she died I would  miss her, when she died she isn’t leaving me a dime, I don’t listen to her  at this  point  it had been a month and  my mother at least once a week was sending me long messages berating me, calling me  out  of my name and  my responses were usually  ok or  that it was too long to read shortly  followed by an I still love you and I hope you find peace , this went  on for weeks  on end .

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

This was a two-part reference my grandmother and the vehicle I was driving when I was 17 and wrecked. My grandmother passed away 7 years ago when she was  alive  a lot of the times when my mother attacked me or berated me in front of her she would ask my mother to stop and then they would  have an argument  and  my mother decided to keep us away from my grandmother for  months on end  until she needed something from my grandmother when we were allowed to see her again  . This wasn’t anything my grandmother told me she wasn’t really the type to tell me about my mother I just observed this over the years. We had a family member that my mother co-signed a car for  when the family  member decided they didn’t want the  car (my mother  made it a difficult arrangement  telling them where they can go in the car  making demands  on visits  to see her and  take her places in the car ) they decided to give the car back to my mom and told her she can take  over the  payments now . my mom passed the car over to me since at this time I had officially gotten my license. The deal was I paid my own car insurance and her and my father would take on the note I paid my mother every time I got my check and a few months later was involved in an accident. I found out years later that my other had no insurance on the car and was pocketing the money, only to come back a year later and wanted to get the car fixed My ex-husband asked for her to send 3 quotes to us she said she got three quotes and gave us an amount. My Ex-husband back in  2006 money gram/Western Union her the money only to find out after this she requested more money 2 more times after the second my ex-husband told her no

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

My mother told me I had a doctors visit I was 12 and was having period complications she never said where I was going never said what was happening I was in a room with her doctor asking me questions answered them time for the PAP it was traumatic and uncomfortable and I cried. I was a virgin and according to my mother the doctor told her that I was very much sexually active  (I lost my virginity 3 years later) and  my mother ususally will start her beraing with this particular incident .

A few weeks  before this message was sent I tried to sit down with my mother  about a month ago my sister and I were getting ready to go out  my  mother expressed  some concern about my niece and  nephew  I had a talk with my sister about it , we squashed it my sister  explained to me what was going  on and  she and  I moved forward. My mother had my niece and nephew over her home for the weekend and was fishing for personal information about what goes on in my sisters home. My sister confronted my mother on this and advised she can ask her not me not the kids. My mother took this as me being  ‘two-faced ” and this is actually when the long messages, voicemails and numerous calls at all hours of the night started to happen. I tried to give her a cool down period and come back and have some healthy dialogue  she didn’t want to so I let it rest.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Truth be told I made an active decision to work on my mental health between the abuse at the hands of my mother I was a complete mental basket case when I left their home. I have been able to understand why my mother behaved the way she does and to allow myself to be perfectly fine with exiting stage left when she has the antics. I grew  up that you  respect your parents  no matter what they do to you  no matter what they say to you  . you stand there and take it because they sacrificed their lives for you and BLAH BLAH BLAH. I had to realize this  only after having my own children , I did not ask for my children to be born in this world  , I didn’t  get their  input  on anything  they are helpless and were brought here  without their  insight  on it at all so it is  my duty to mold them, love them and coven them  because I am their  protector. I will never blame  my children for  things I was unable to do in my life because they have built me to be better and  have  insight  on so many other things of importance to me  . a therapist told me It’s  ok if you hate your  mother and  it’s  ok to be confused about that hate she sent you through so much stuff it’s hard not to  . You don’t have to deal with the torment  yo don’t have to deal with the ridicule  you  have a choice to protect your own peace  . It has been easier for me because I moved from Texas in  2005 and didn’t return until  2015 so when my mother did behave like this  I can hang up the  phone  , change  my number, or  just block her. My mom has  no clue  what goes  on in my life and  heck didn’t even know I moved back to Texas  until I was living  here for 9 months and I generally like to keep her out of my business because when she gets mad she tosses it back in your face. My mother finds your value in the type of home you have, the car you drive and whether or not you have a man i found it funny my mother mentioned the man part and she didn’t  know nor had I told her that I had been seeing someone.

 

 

 

 

So my mother did all this  and  the  moment I mention police all of a sudden I needed to respect her  This is the type  of behavior  I am talking about  just like you do not allow men to berate, and treat you poorly  or friends to use you  and  do nothing in your best interest and  what do you  do with them  ? You dismiss them, you divorce them, the same can also be done with family and Parents. The most important thing for you is to have peace in your life. If your parents are toxic or enabling that bad behavior they should be cut as well.My father eventually text me to tell me he has also washed  his hands clean with me  since I threatened my mother with the police I advised I respected  his decision , my father is man of a few words but when he speaks  you listen usually he has never berated  or called me  out my  name  but he has allowed my mother  countless times to behave  in this manner and turn the other cheek and also take her side.

I go into a discussion on the  podcast on why her upbringing  made me  want to have the best relationship with my daughter possible  :

 

About KayDarden

My name is Kay, I am a Proud Texan, Mom of 2 genius babies lol and a Fur-mom. I love Fashion, Tacos & shoes. But I have realized over the last few years I am a serial dater I have stories for days most are crazy, sexy cool lol. I started sharing them with friends a few years back and thought it would be neat to journal my lessons on my blog. On my blog, you get a view of crazy dating scenarios and the lessons I have learned from them all, Fashion ideas, and also my frustrations since I chopped all my hair off and went natural.
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