I wanted to take some time to process and think this post and the podcast through so that it isn’t angry or all over the place. The text messages you will see scattered across this post is a small look into the life of my relationship with my mother. They are not to bash her, I am not angry or bitter but I hope this helps someone that is currently in the same boat have some solace in knowing it is ok to choose yourself. I will be going through each one and providing insight in what I think she meant usually my mother sends messages and they are incoherent I want to blame it on her being diagnosed as BiPolar a few years back but honestly blaming her shitty behavior on her illness is like saying this is ok, which it totally isn’t .
My Mother discussed a lot about dying, when she died I would miss her, when she died she isn’t leaving me a dime, I don’t listen to her at this point it had been a month and my mother at least once a week was sending me long messages berating me, calling me out of my name and my responses were usually ok or that it was too long to read shortly followed by an I still love you and I hope you find peace , this went on for weeks on end .
This was a two-part reference my grandmother and the vehicle I was driving when I was 17 and wrecked. My grandmother passed away 7 years ago when she was alive a lot of the times when my mother attacked me or berated me in front of her she would ask my mother to stop and then they would have an argument and my mother decided to keep us away from my grandmother for months on end until she needed something from my grandmother when we were allowed to see her again . This wasn’t anything my grandmother told me she wasn’t really the type to tell me about my mother I just observed this over the years. We had a family member that my mother co-signed a car for when the family member decided they didn’t want the car (my mother made it a difficult arrangement telling them where they can go in the car making demands on visits to see her and take her places in the car ) they decided to give the car back to my mom and told her she can take over the payments now . my mom passed the car over to me since at this time I had officially gotten my license. The deal was I paid my own car insurance and her and my father would take on the note I paid my mother every time I got my check and a few months later was involved in an accident. I found out years later that my other had no insurance on the car and was pocketing the money, only to come back a year later and wanted to get the car fixed My ex-husband asked for her to send 3 quotes to us she said she got three quotes and gave us an amount. My Ex-husband back in 2006 money gram/Western Union her the money only to find out after this she requested more money 2 more times after the second my ex-husband told her no
My mother told me I had a doctors visit I was 12 and was having period complications she never said where I was going never said what was happening I was in a room with her doctor asking me questions answered them time for the PAP it was traumatic and uncomfortable and I cried. I was a virgin and according to my mother the doctor told her that I was very much sexually active (I lost my virginity 3 years later) and my mother ususally will start her beraing with this particular incident .
A few weeks before this message was sent I tried to sit down with my mother about a month ago my sister and I were getting ready to go out my mother expressed some concern about my niece and nephew I had a talk with my sister about it , we squashed it my sister explained to me what was going on and she and I moved forward. My mother had my niece and nephew over her home for the weekend and was fishing for personal information about what goes on in my sisters home. My sister confronted my mother on this and advised she can ask her not me not the kids. My mother took this as me being ‘two-faced ” and this is actually when the long messages, voicemails and numerous calls at all hours of the night started to happen. I tried to give her a cool down period and come back and have some healthy dialogue she didn’t want to so I let it rest.
Truth be told I made an active decision to work on my mental health between the abuse at the hands of my mother I was a complete mental basket case when I left their home. I have been able to understand why my mother behaved the way she does and to allow myself to be perfectly fine with exiting stage left when she has the antics. I grew up that you respect your parents no matter what they do to you no matter what they say to you . you stand there and take it because they sacrificed their lives for you and BLAH BLAH BLAH. I had to realize this only after having my own children , I did not ask for my children to be born in this world , I didn’t get their input on anything they are helpless and were brought here without their insight on it at all so it is my duty to mold them, love them and coven them because I am their protector. I will never blame my children for things I was unable to do in my life because they have built me to be better and have insight on so many other things of importance to me . a therapist told me It’s ok if you hate your mother and it’s ok to be confused about that hate she sent you through so much stuff it’s hard not to . You don’t have to deal with the torment yo don’t have to deal with the ridicule you have a choice to protect your own peace . It has been easier for me because I moved from Texas in 2005 and didn’t return until 2015 so when my mother did behave like this I can hang up the phone , change my number, or just block her. My mom has no clue what goes on in my life and heck didn’t even know I moved back to Texas until I was living here for 9 months and I generally like to keep her out of my business because when she gets mad she tosses it back in your face. My mother finds your value in the type of home you have, the car you drive and whether or not you have a man i found it funny my mother mentioned the man part and she didn’t know nor had I told her that I had been seeing someone.
So my mother did all this and the moment I mention police all of a sudden I needed to respect her This is the type of behavior I am talking about just like you do not allow men to berate, and treat you poorly or friends to use you and do nothing in your best interest and what do you do with them ? You dismiss them, you divorce them, the same can also be done with family and Parents. The most important thing for you is to have peace in your life. If your parents are toxic or enabling that bad behavior they should be cut as well.My father eventually text me to tell me he has also washed his hands clean with me since I threatened my mother with the police I advised I respected his decision , my father is man of a few words but when he speaks you listen usually he has never berated or called me out my name but he has allowed my mother countless times to behave in this manner and turn the other cheek and also take her side.
I go into a discussion on the podcast on why her upbringing made me want to have the best relationship with my daughter possible :