These incidents occurred between September 2021-October 2021

 For six weeks, sigma and I did nothing but fight.

Our communication was awful; we were fighting about unnecessary things. A part of me was becoming a lot like the men I’ve dated in the past with no accountability, taking a lot from this relationship and not pouring too much into it. I also was not taken care of my mental health like I should have been; Sigma went home to North Carolina for about a week; his mother had passed away, and during this time, we were still apartment hunting, and it was the final countdown not only the passing of his mother is what broke the camel’s back but also we were denied once again for the second time for an apartment due to my eviction.

He told me I was a liability at this point.

I left my job at the US LawShield and started a new job I thought I would make more money at, but I wasn’t. Within the course of 3 to 4 months, my savings were wiped out, all of my credit cards were maxed out, and he was helping me pay some of my bills; now initially, it was not a problem for him, but it became pretty frequent where he was helping me at least two to three times a month.

This all came to a head in October 2021; he decided he was not receiving everything he was pointing to in the relationship.

If I wanted to be accountable for it, he was right. He wanted us to end our relationship; he came over that night, and we talked. We pretty much talked all night; the conversation helped a lot, and it was a conversation that needed to be had; not only did the ending of the relationship at that point need to happen, well he realized that relationships take work, and he thought that he was willing to put in the work, but The Sigma also realized that there were things about himself that he didn’t particularly care for and that he needed to fix as well.

So for 72 hours, we sporadically spoke with one another about what the next chapter and what the next step was going to be; we both realized that we just weren’t quite ready to end the relationship, but there were things that we needed to fix within ourselves separately that will then ensure that the relationship would have a solid foundation.

We weren’t friends, and the only level of friendship that we had at this moment was in the realm of the relationship; we both needed to have our personalities separately and bring those into the relationship, so we made an active decision that we would work on ourselves meanwhile slowly building our foundation back for the relationship.

This was hard for me because all I wanted to do was get back in the relationship and go back to, I guess, normal for me.

Instead of trusting the process, I overthought and overanalyzed, causing even more frustration because I was asking a bunch of questions and concerning myself with things that, at that particular moment, didn’t matter. I was doing what I always do not concentrate on my well-being, my life, and the things I needed to fix. I was just worried about being in a relationship. This is what I’m usually accustomed to with men.

I decided to date men I have been in relationships with. instead of them fixing certain parameters of their life, they just fixed them with relationships.

I have moved to a different apartment that would cost less money to save, I have started exercising to help with my depression, and I have poured myself into my business because if we’re going to be honest about it, I am half-ass doing that. I’m working on my mental health and getting back into therapy. I have no idea what the future is going to hold with the relationship. Still, I know that after I take care of the main goals of what I want, I’ll feel and have a much better place than I currently am. That’s an understatement. I hated my job since I was in training.

At this point I found out I was lied to about my pay.

I have applied to, at this point, over 800 jobs; within the last couple of months, I have had about 12 interviews, and so far, as of today, nothing has come from those I know I will get a job I know I will get a job that pays more than where I’m at or that I can get back on track with my life again I think they’re being in the moment of it all and drowning in it it has me uncomfortable. I’m just fighting to get out of it.

Taking Cheyenne on longer walks in the morning rebuilds our bond and prepares me to take on my day.

I start therapy next week, so I am very optimistic that I will get an idea of how to handle many of the things I have going on right now.

 

I had anxiety and didn’t know I had; that explains a lot.

Also, I don’t speak kindly about myself in my head nor imagine that anything good could ever happen to me. I try to cover it up or mask it; one would say that I’m a realist, but not a realist. I’m very negative and not hopeful about anything that may come into my life that’s good, including my relationship; a lot of the time, I took a good deal of thinking that he was always going to cheat on me and that he was always going to leave me that he didn’t love me and that there was nothing that I was doing was good enough.

 

Mind you, he never at any point said any of these things; these are all things that I concocted in my head, which brings me to another point I need to go back to therapy because I need to find a healthier way to process those types of thoughts I need to work on speaking better about myself like how I pour and speak better into other people. There have been lots of tears and a lot of accountability in these past few months have been extremely uncomfortable for me. I know this is a process, and I am willing to work hard to get past it and ensure that my life is better for the people I allow in my life and me. I’m hoping that this helps someone. I love you; take care.