The weekend after everything transpired I had to do my best on keeping my mind busy, when my mind wasn’t busy it was time spent thinking about a replay of what transpired over the last six months and me trying to figure out a way to move forward in a healthy manner. Again you are viewing these almost close to several months later but it is the second of November as of right now 2020 and today is the first day that I woke up at peace. Friday was spent processing a lot of what just happened Saturday was spent working and keeping my mind off of everything and in between working I’m crying about what happened and trying to figure out how it all went wrong. I did eventually get some sleep early Saturday and Sunday I surrounded myself with friends which in the beginning part of the day helped a lot with the thought process and them talking with me about the choices I’ve made not being judgmental about it but still remaining to keep me accountable for how to proceed going forward, at this point it’s day two that I have gone without eating which is not uncommon for me to do when I am stressed about anything I really try to eat it’s just I honestly can’t. I wouldn’t solely say it’s because of him but just the situation and I didn’t eat when I lost my job a few years back this was not uncommon. A good friend of mine named Anna was visiting home from the navy and between her blake and heather managed to uplift my spirits to process a lot of what I went through the last 48 hours .
My take away from everything was closer towards the end my codependency kicked everything up a notch there were a lot of red flags that I didn’t ignore and thought they were windows for me to be supportive to him instead of standing firm in my standard which I am holding myself accountable for I stayed. This doesn’t take away from the fact that I honestly deserved none of this, and this man sat here and said to me not out of anger but the truth that he did not love me, never was attracted to me, and wasn’t really interested in doing the leg work to move forward so we could flourish. This is not my fault he felt this way but knowing this throughout the 11 months he was back in my life, not one time he left me alone he stayed, used me to boost his ego, when we were.living together he was getting a sweet deal on what he paid ( again it was based on what he made still not much of a pinch but this vs us dating before he paid nothing before) there were so many instances he could have left me alone and did not because he was an opportunist. My energy, my time, my body whenever we did have sex was his for the taking.
When I confronted him three weeks prior about us that was his move to exit and he didn’t and was angry and offended when I advised you don’t love me you don’t want to do this why are you here. After a few weeks of hearing the elevator sales pitch about he loved and respected me, I asked him to leave again he stayed. So this was all replaying in my head the last night I saw him as he tried to sugarcoat his ” breakup blow” for me to cut him off and tell him to start packing he’s offended of course but at this point, this man has sat here for the last 21 days and told me he didn’t want me and changed his mind within 24 hours every day during this 21 days of mind games and I don’t think I deserved another day of this ridiculous suffering.
I remembered how I felt after it ended the first time and how my life flourished and that this was needed he needed to go to make room for who I am actually to be with and that was me. I need time for me I need to focus on me. At this point, I was not doing a great job of loving me if I was still in this with this man.
I am educated
A great mom
I have An amazing career
Friends who love me and an all-around pretty peaceful life.
I love hard in the most healthy way, I am loyal, and devoted and willing to give them whatever my partner needs as long as it doesn’t compromise my mental health.
All of those things may be basic human things but to me, I need this to feel happy.
This man hadn’t seen his kids in 10 years didn’t know them and was angry his ex-wife wouldn’t yield to him.
He also didn’t do anything over the time I knew him to be in their lives ( I saw this and he was mad I didn’t want to have children with him)
He was still on probation and wasn’t paying it and spending the money on gaming devices ( still didn’t get this since if we weren’t together he would be a nomad or shacked up with someone)
He didn’t take care of himself he ate horribly didn’t work out had skin issues and for a good time didn’t bathe unless it was time for him to provide dick the once in a blue moon he did.
He had a lot of trauma from his childhood dad not claiming him and his mother not being a true mom so he was a 36-year-old man with a lot of insecurities and needed constant reassuring and that becomes exhausting our first round I didn’t do this at this time and was telling him to man the fuck up more so when we started back.
He has never accomplished anything in his life successfully on his own.
Never had his own vehicle ( grandparents when buy him cars after wrecking or getting them repoed )
Never lived on his own unless it was with another woman in her domain.
The one time he did have his own place he’s never lived in the places longer than 3 months before he stopped paying and was evicted.
He started and stopped things when he realized he would have to work hard.
This is what I came up with after the dust settled
This is what I was trying to make it work for that man deserves nothing and his life will never be great because he isn’t great.
This energy and love should be saved for someone that has none of that going on at all and for the guy that wants to know me love me and if he just so happens to have amazing bedroom skills that’s a super plus
Let’s be honest as well he had a decent size dick but this man did one position and lasted one round and feel out like he completed a High-Intensity Training he was moderate on my satisfaction scale and I made that very clear to him.
Today will be a better day for the process.
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