On May 3rd, 2023, I found myself grappling with a surge of anger that I couldn’t ignore, deny, or bury beneath a facade. It was as transparent as daylight – I was furious. This emotion consumed me, making it challenging to navigate through the day as I usually would.
I recognized that the primary source of my anger was none other than myself. I had allowed this situation to unfold; I had given someone else power over my emotions. I grasped a fundamental truth: while I cannot control how others treat me, speak to me, or interact with me, I always have complete control over myself.
In retrospect, I realized I had granted this individual far too much control, allowing him to disrespect me repeatedly. I had extended more grace than he deserved.
Despite my efforts to detach, I couldn’t help but feel bewildered by how swiftly he moved on, as if our connection had meant nothing. Deep down, I knew the reason behind this: what we had was empty. There was no love, no respect, and barely any care.
Recently, he crossed another one of my boundaries, and I reacted, feeling disappointed in myself for letting him provoke me. I took a walk and confided in friends to calm down, but the lingering disappointment remained. He didn’t deserve my energy, my anger, or my tears.
Currently, my focus is on saving money, nothing more and nothing less. I am in survivor mode, not yet in a place to embark on my healing journey. That work begins when I leave this chapter behind.
I understand that this feeling won’t last forever, but processing it daily is undeniably challenging, and at times, quitting seems tempting. Yet, I hold onto the hope that one day, I will find the strength to let it all go.
