Thirty days down money in savings,

and my credit score increased. I am focused on documenting this and trying to heal as much as possible while looking at this man daily. It’s been hard. I have gone through a range of emotions, but the one that’s been consistent has been pure rage. I am ashamed because, once again, I let this happen. I blame myself as much as I am grateful for these epiphanies and hindsight; I hate them too, mainly because things are glaring in my face that I SHOULD HAVE CLOCKED and ended shit with this man a while ago. So within the first 30 days, this man behaved more confusing than when I was with him. I wanted to establish boundaries, and I asked that he not date in my face

 

Not only did this man do this,

but women sent me messages of him reaching out; he was hiding in his car to talk on the phone, coming home later, and suddenly was invested in OT at work. This man was cup-caking on the phone. I heard one woman beg him not to get off the phone with her, and it was soo much. Then he told me one day that he would prefer us not to speak and to be roommates, so this continued until he broke a boundary regarding the food. I buy groceries and cook if he wants to go out and buy he purchased for me; that’s always been the rule; he decided one day he didn’t want to, so I cut the kitchen off  for him, Cooking for my loved ones is a thing for me and since you are no longer my man I am not cooking for you. That was a whole other issue, and we went a week without speaking, only for him to approach me one night and want to talk. I talked alright. I, for 20 minutes, went through my angry black lady monologue on how he wasn’t worth shit.

 

This man started this by telling me he didn’t want a relationship,

only to ask me to be his girlfriend and give him a key to his place. I let him go when he was sleeping with someone with no protection and caught an STD. I told him I could go that way since you seemed not to take your sexual health seriously.  Many times this man could have walked away and left me alone if he didn’t want a relationship. He didn’t do this at any point when he asked for my hand in marriage and didn’t when we were apartment hunting and moved in together. The many chances this man could have ended it all and didn’t, angered me. He wasted my time for two years and gaslighted me at every damn chance he could. What angers me the most is that I knew he had never been in a long-term relationship, and this wasn’t his thing, and why on an  beforehand, he was used for Dick, and that’s it. He kept everything surface-level, and I didn’t know him all that well; he does a fantastic job of making you feel like you have known him forever.

 

This is the Tupac diss track beginning; this accurately describes how it started when he said we could be cool with one another.

Just in case you need a reference point lol :

 

In proper Virgo form, I remember my list and shit I went off on him about

 

Discussed the fact that the man had no idea who he was and what he wanted in life
discussed that everything he’s ever received was off the back of a black woman; a black woman helped him get his job at TSA, and his ex-wife helped him get his career at the VA.

I talked about how he was a mediocre ass dude

who cosplays as an intellectual, emotionally intelligent man. He was reminded how he isn’t ambitious and is fine doing the bare minimum in life and at work, calling me a  liability. However, I have children I care for and if I didn’t, not only would I still make more money than him I would be running circles around him

I touched base on his refusal to get therapy about his trauma

which was evident in how he handled conflict or anything. Out here, a whole orphan daddy doesn’t want you both mothers gone, and your family doesn’t even fuck with you like that, and you are okay?

I talked about him barely bathing,

how he had the bowels worst than an 80-year-old man, he doesn’t take care of his body and lives on mountain dew and fast food, and while he’s out here trying to find the next sugar momma, he needs to make sure she is in the medical field so he can have a nurse.

I touched on how he uses material positions as the determining factor of being a good man, and I reminded him that all those things are at the bare minimum for any adult. And if you take away all those things, my 16-year-old child was still more emotionally intelligent and mature than he is.

 

Do you want to know what angers me the most about this post?

He had this whole thing about not being on social media and not sharing his business like this, and lookie here. The therapist at the time had advised me to be very careful with this relationship, and she wasn’t calling him a narcissist but that he was exhibiting some of those traits. I told him this, and he decided to book a session with his therapist he had not seen for months, to have her tell him he wasn’t a narcissist. Then shortly after, we had a couples therapy appointment. As we sat in therapy, we discussed our separate visits; the couples therapist advised us that we didn’t need to examine our sessions with the other, just the couples therapy. This post was created because he realized these things while in treatment and real-time with our conversations. All of the stuff in the post he didn’t mention any of this in therapy went straight to social media and wrote this and tagged the best friends and his mother and not me.